After everything I
have been through over the past six months, today I am crying. And why? Because
my number arrived for the Bupa 10K - a race I applied to take part in before I
became ill. Seeing number B14994, my time chip, and my four pins is far more
upsetting than I thought it would be. I knew in September that I wouldn't be
able to run the race. I knew I couldn't cancel my place and that the pack would
eventually turn up. I'm fine about not running it, really I am. So why am I so
upset? I suppose it's tangible evidence of my illness. I can hold the number in
my hand and know that I'm not fit enough to wear it. It represents my physical
weakness. And I guess, deep down, I wonder if I will ever be able to regain my
fitness, if I will be able to run the race next year.
And all this has got
me thinking. What I need to get over this is a thick skin. And, hey, guess
what? I'm a writer. I've got a thick skin! I've managed to write whole novels, big ones
too. I've had the courage to send them out into the big wide world with a feeling
of hope and a dream of success. And they've come back. I've had hundreds of
rejections, from the standard photocopied letter, to a nice email, right the
way through to detailed positive feedback. And I'm stronger for it. My writing
is better for it. But, and this is the most important thing, I never, ever gave
up.
I keep on writing
and hoping and dreaming, just as I will, one day, keep on running and hoping
and dreaming. So while this paper number, a thing that is so tiny in the scheme of things, has upset me today, it will also inspire me. While I won't be pinning it
to my vest and running down the Mall, I will
be pinning it to my wall. And every time I look at it I will remember not to
give up! It might even help me to finish this novel too.
Oh Sue,I can understand this totally. You are so strong throughout and then something totally unexpected, and as you say often so tiny, will whip the rug from under you. You just have to remember what an amazing woman you are.Sticking it on the wall is a great idea.I am sure you will be running the 10K next year.xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ness. And I certainly will be running that race next year. I expect I'll be up at the front with Paula Radcliffe!
DeleteJust remember Lance Armstrong, Sue, and so many others who've fought back and regained their strength and health. And although I didn't have what you've had, I've also gone from zero strength to rebuilding my strength. You can do it and you will run that race - and you'll finish that book xxx
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you. I will battle on with running (hopefully) and writing (definitely). Sometimes the little knocks seem to be the biggest ones! If only you were nearer. We could run together!
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