Thursday, 26 April 2012

Time Is On My Side

Time. Funny old thing. It seems to expand and contract depending on how busy, how motivated, how bored one is. Time has been a big thing for me these past six months. How long do I have left to live? How long until the treatment starts? How long until the next appointment/blood test/round of chemo? How long until they sign me off? So although I wasn't working and wasn't writing all that much either, my time was filled, the clock was ticking. I've turned the clock off now. No more chemotherapy. Blood tests are only every three months. I'm still alive and plan to stay that way for a very long time.

 By the way, that's Father Time, not Death!

So with all that time, I should be doing so much, right? The words should be pouring out. I'm back at work now, part time, so that fills some of my week. But there is still plenty of time for words. Oh, I've written some, OK quite a lot recently, but they've stopped. Gone right off. I need to get back into some sort of routine now, find a work/life/writing balance.

The biggest thing about time, for me anyway, is how I focus on it. I've never been one to dwell on the past; what's done is done, but, for obvious reasons, I've been too scared to focus on the future. I've gone from appointment to appointment, doing what I was told, while never looking past the next day. So my writing had a different purpose. I finished my novel just so I could say I'd done it. I needed to know that all that could be done on it was done. But I didn't work to a deadline, didn't think about publication because, at that time, I was facing the great unknown. Now my treatment is finished, I feel I can look to the future again; sadly not with that novel. Oh, my future is still uncertain, but whose isn’t? And time, as they say, is on my side. But it feels odd. It's like stepping into the great unknown. I can allow myself to think about writing a publishable novel; one that might see the light of day next year or the year after. I'm happy about that. The only problem is, of course, that I need to stop thinking about it and get on with writing it! So if you see me loitering on Facebook, tell me to get off. Tell me to stop wasting time!