Time. Funny old
thing. It seems to expand and contract depending on how busy, how motivated,
how bored one is. Time has been a big thing for me these past six months. How
long do I have left to live? How long until the treatment starts? How long
until the next appointment/blood test/round of chemo? How long until they sign
me off? So although I wasn't working and wasn't writing all that much either,
my time was filled, the clock was ticking. I've turned the clock off now. No
more chemotherapy. Blood tests are only every three months. I'm still alive and
plan to stay that way for a very long time.
By the way, that's Father Time, not Death!
So with all that
time, I should be doing so much, right? The words should be pouring out. I'm
back at work now, part time, so that fills some of my week. But there is still
plenty of time for words. Oh, I've written some, OK quite a lot recently, but
they've stopped. Gone right off. I need to get back into some sort of routine
now, find a work/life/writing balance.
The biggest thing
about time, for me anyway, is how I focus on it. I've never been one to dwell
on the past; what's done is done, but, for obvious reasons, I've been too
scared to focus on the future. I've gone from appointment to appointment, doing
what I was told, while never looking past the next day. So my writing had a
different purpose. I finished my novel just so I could say I'd done it. I
needed to know that all that could be done on it was done. But I didn't work to
a deadline, didn't think about publication because, at that time, I was facing
the great unknown. Now my treatment is finished, I feel I can look to the
future again; sadly not with that novel. Oh, my future is still uncertain, but
whose isn’t? And time, as they say, is on my side. But it feels odd. It's like
stepping into the great unknown. I can allow myself to think about writing a
publishable novel; one that might see the light of day next year or the year
after. I'm happy about that. The only problem is, of course, that I need to
stop thinking about it and get on with writing it! So if you see me loitering
on Facebook, tell me to get off. Tell me to stop wasting time!
